Loving and hating our parents

I grew up in a home where one parent had to move to another country for their career and the other parent brought me up. There were good things and bad things. I will start with the good things - I got to travel to the other country (and many more thereafter) - it was a cosmopolitian country. I learned about different cultures, understood their thought processes, appreciated the differences and learned to respect them. This made me a truly secular person who could open my heart to people - I see this as a huge plus. It circumvented my fears as I made friends with people who were brought up differently than I was. I could look beyond our differences, find commonalities and cherish them. True life lessons that lay the foundation of my life and made me a better person.

And then there were the bad things - well not bad, challenging rather - growing up was difficult. It stole the childhood that should have been because I was forced to grow up too soon, to be independent too soon. In hindsight that was a good thing, however it created resentments growing up - especially towards the parent who wasnt around to watch me grow. I would see my friends going out with both their parents while I tried to hold on to the thought of a future that would include that. Every mistake made by this parent was an unforgivable one, because it was tied to my hurt of being overlooked for their career. I had this burried within for a long time - it was gnawing into my being and fragmenting my soul. I saw myself as an unlovable person - someone who wasnt really a priority - it led to unhealthy relationships and a very low sense of self worth.

Until very recently. Until I adopted a cute cat named Max who adores me. Who looks at me with sad eyes when I leave home for work every morning. I recognize this emotion - I have seen it before - for 12 years in the eyes of a little girl when her parent left home to catch their flight. I tell myself I am doing my best for him (my cat) - that I am able to buy him that cat tower, that expensive cat food, that fresh smelling cat litter, because I am working and earning. That I am doing my best.

That is when I realize, they really were doing their best. By forgiving them I am reducing the baggage I carry. It took a lot of meditation, rigorous internal reflection, true acceptance of my darkness and a constant willingness to let go of everything that doesnt serve me. There has been constant effort to grow, effort towards self worth and acceptance. Effort towards self validation and value. We dont know the formula for living a good life. We make intelligent guesses at life, make our decisions and hope it works out. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesnt. Our parents are the same. Love them, even when you hate them. Forgive them and set yourself free.